sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
