you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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