my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
