Soap is not a condiment
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
