Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize