I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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