Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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