every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize