I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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