it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize