i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
