Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
