Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
