My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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