So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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