I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
