I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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