I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
