my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
