shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
