I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she told me i tasted like america
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
