I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize