Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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