I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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