My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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