I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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