I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
