You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
