just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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