This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
