The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
