Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
