I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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