Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
