I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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