Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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