Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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