Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
