As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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