god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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