Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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