I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
