i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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