she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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