Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
