i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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