Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
