my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
