remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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