giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize