omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
