You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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