Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
