What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
