she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We left an ass print on the piano.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
