why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
