I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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