he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm passing your future prison.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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