On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
