She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hippo gnu deer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
