Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
