its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am naked and annoyed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
