Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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