did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
