we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
