I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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