ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
