I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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