when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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